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Dead Birds In Winnipeg Skies Linked to UFO Activity

Avian Biologists Have Not Ruled Out 'Stun Ray' Theory

(SNN) - Legions of people in Winnipeg, Canada awoke to find birds of every feather and stripe, dead on the ground this morning. Deceased ducks and passed-on pigeons were strewn about the city like hail after a storm prompting concerns from the citizenry wondering if they are next.

“I don’t want people to panic, but I’m scared sh… er… poopless,” claimed Winnipeg Mayor Sam Dawgz. “I’d recommend people hide in their basements and shoot at anything that moves unless it’s a spayed or neutered pet, as they are highly protected. Or a kid, maybe.  Make sure the kids don’t have huge heads and green skin. If they do, blow them away!”

The death of the birds has shaken up the city since the incident coincided with a wave of UFO sightings over the city. Early results from the autopsies being performed have not been conclusive, although the Expired Avian Medical Office (EAMO) have not confirmed the “death by stun-ray set too high” theory that has spread through social media platforms.

Ufologist, Roz Wellfan, who had flown into the city (albeit on a regular airplane) to investigate the incident, claimed it was a clear case of alien attack.

“The aliens obviously mean us harm,” warned Wellfan. “We know this because it is clear they have no compunction about using animals in scientific testing. They’re worse than the early days of the cosmetic industry. I hope the space travelers recognize we are different from other animals on the planet. We make tools, have emotions, are self aware and whatnot. Okay, so other animals exhibit those things, too, but they don’t have smart-phones.”

If you have seen a UFO, have been in contact with aliens or have a mysteriously sore anal sphincter you can’t account for, please call the City of Winnipeg at 204-Peg-Rocks and ask for the Municipal UFO Taskforce and Mayweed Control Commission.

Photo by: Zanastardust  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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