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Cop Sits on Taser - Accidently Heals His Hemorrhoids

'That Son Of A B____ Fixed It Better Than Surgery'

(SNN) - Patrolman Arnold Couchon of the LAPD had just finished off with a routine tasing of a homeless man when he threw his electronic weapon onto the seat of his cruiser. Forgetting about the charged device while cleaning off his baton and reholstering it, the police officer sat on the seat of his squad car, whereupon the weapon discharged itself on the very area Couchon had a particularly nasty, bleeding hemorrhoid.

The sudden, intense spark seared the painful spot; shrinking the hemorrhoid instantly, providing relief for the condition once the agonizing pain of the tasering subsided. Both Couchon and the attending paramedics were amazed at the seemingly instantaneous cure for what had been a pain in his workday. According to the patrolman, his hemorrhoid was a job-related injury and just one of the hazards of dangerous police work..

“Having the ‘roid was hell,” admitted Couchon. “Police work is supposed to involve a lot of legwork, but most of it is on your butt. You do paperwork on your butt, stake out places on your butt, ride around looking for moving violations on your butt. Even at break time at the donut shop, we’re sitting on our butt. Having that hemmie was a major distraction when I’m trying to do my job so I am glad to be free of it. I wouldn’t recommend the procedure however. I almost puked up my pancreas.”

Since reports of the incident have come out, LAPD and other police forces in centers across North America have been fielding calls from desperate hemorrhoid sufferers. It doesn’t appear the discomfort Couchon experienced discourages the afllicted in the least. There have even been inquiries from the Preparation H company about cooperating on a home tasering kit with a hemorrhoid attachment.

Photo by: sometimesdee flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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