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FDA Warns 'Check Hairy Bananas For Tarantulas'

184 'Near Death Experiences' In Last Month

(SNN) - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning to Americans about an increased incidence of poisonous tarantulas being accidentally imported into the country. The hairy beasties, some as big as a saucer, have been found in shipments of exotic fruit, particularly bananas, papayas and other fruits with an inordinate amount of ‘a’s in their names.

The tarantula infestation has been encountered across the country and no fruit stand or produce department is immune from the threat. Workers at Orange Julius and Booster Juice are demanding ‘danger pay’. Dairy Queen has taken their banana splits off the menu rather than face job action from the Dessert and Frozen Treat Servers of America; an organization almost as powerful as the Teamsters.

"Part of the problem is due to global warming," explained FDA spokesman Boris Shelob. "In the past, creatures who would normally die in transit from the tropical countries these shipments emanate from, are now surviving the trip. They hide in the crates of bananas waiting to invade the produce aisles of your local grocers.  Make sure you inspect all fruit with long-handled tongs before putting it in your cart. Steal tongs from the bagel display in the bakery section if you have to. You don’t want a poison oozing, prickly-haired monster in the vehicle with you. I hire cash corner people to buy my bananas, personally.”

One woman in New York is listed in serious condition after an encounter with what she thought was a rare hairy banana until she realized the bunch contained a giant tarantula. She fainted dead away and cracked her head on a coconut display in a Fruits ‘R Us store. She now must live with a deep-seated phobia of things shaped like bananas or nuts of any size. Her husband is suing the company from whiich she purchased the bunch.

In a similar incident, a roadside fruit vendor named Carlos Miguel Olaffson was injured when a tarantula crawled up his leg as he drove to his stall on the highway outside of Manitowoc, Wi. He panicked and went off the road, hitting a tree before sliding into a slough, killing a family of ducks. He is currently being charged with dangerous driving while his hospital room is swarming with PETA protestors.

All over the U.S., tarantula encounters are being reported daily. Although the oversized arachnids rarely bite, when they do, the consequences can be dire.  One produce manager of a Safeways store who asked not to be identified, was concerned when he received a tarantula bite on his scrotum. The area turned black and he was afraid he would have to get his testicles surgically removed. The team of doctors, however, who are involved in the case,  reassured him they would probably fall off on their own.

Photo by: Hugo Quintero flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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