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It's Official: Mosquito Replaces Loon as Minnesota State Bird

(SNN) - The Sage’s Minnesota correspondents have reported that the Mosquito has replaced the Loon as Minnesota’s official state bird.  House Representative Dave “Farmer” LaDell (DFL), sponsor of House Bill M-666, explained that Minnesota mosquitoes continue to grow in size and far outnumber the loon population.  “It makes sense,” LaDell explained. “Minnesota is known for its healthy mosquito population, especially in the woodsy areas ‘Up North’. These critters are social creatures, always hanging around lakes, campsites, and cabins. They are not easily frightened off like our loons.”

Although mosquitoes love the north woods, they can be spotted in great numbers anywhere in Minnesota.  Birders do not have to go far to find them. Minnesota mosquitoes breed fast  and have grown so large that birders, who couldn’t afford a $2,000 pair of binoculars necessary to spot the smaller mosquitoes of the past, can now get by with a cheap model from Walmart.

Not everyone is happy with the new law.  Woody Grantham of Loon Lake, who recently escaped the urban confines of London, England, was seething. When he learned that Governor Dayton had signed the bill into law, he called popular Twin Cities weatherman and hunk, Sven Sunray, to rant and get his 15 seconds of fame.  “Bloody Hell!” screamed Grantham. “Those pesky biters are now protected by the Migratory Bird Treaty Act! Do those bonehead legislators realize that my stockpile of OFF is useless now?”

Among those reported to be happy with the decision is Pier One Imports President and CEO, Gladys Happie, who also called Sunray to rejoice and get a little flirting in. “We are stoked!” said Happie. “We sell citronella candles, not toxic repellents.  We are in full-compliance with the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. You will not find one can of OFF in any or our stores. Our top chemists are already mixing new fragrances, which will intoxicate the population of our new state birds, neutralizing their blood sucking instincts, but honoring their presence at our outdoor events. We expect strong sales of our unique candles. Home Depot will just have to suck it up!”

The buzz over the new designation continues to build all over Minnesota. The loons are glad to finally be out of the spotlight, motorboat engineers are busy designing screened-in vessels, and campers are finally patching the holes in their tents and pop-ups.  Best of all, people who wear long sleeves in the summer will now feel a little less dorky.

Photo: Some rights reserved by Arthur Chapman The Sage nor this Article Endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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