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PMO Insider Leaks Harper's 'To Do' List

Enemy List Was Just the Beginning

(SNN) - In a journalistic coup that will rival Woodward and Bernstein’s “Best Ice Cream Stand on Coney Island”, the Sage News has acquired Stephen Harper’s personal list of things to do dated July 16, 2013. It provides an interesting glimpse into the mind of a complex leader. First, a little background;

Many of us are list makers. It is a convenient method to organize tasks, remember important groups of things and, if you’re the Prime Minister of Canada, to keep track of all your enemies.  According to a 2010 report on BBC news regarding the psychology of list makers, research indicates they tend to try and maintain order around themselves, even as everything is falling apart. The piece describes, “obsessive compulsive list makers… trying to create an illusion of control in otherwise chaotic lives”.

Sound like anyone you know? You might even have voted for him.  So what does the leader of a nation of 33 million people plan to do in a day? Here’s the list in its entirety:

  • Make 7.4 ounce cup of coffee with three tablespoons of artificial sweetener and one tablespoon of French Vanilla creamer. Scratch that. Having trouble with the French lately. Make that one tablespoon of English Toffee creamer.
  • Spit out gum before walking to my office.
  • Make Fantino waterboard everyone in the office until we find the “enemies list” leaker. It was probably that bastard, Kenny, gunning for my job on the sly again.
  • See if Nigel will lend me a few bucks. Scratch that. I think he might be mad at me.
  • Tweet another picture of me in my sweater-vest. Maybe have some kind of furry animal on my lap. I wonder if Mulcair is busy.
  • Go to the office and keep an eye out for enemies.
  • Practice darts at my Brent Rathgeber picture.
  • Try and remember some of the names of the backbenchers.
  • Avoid the press.
  • Have salad for lunch. Man, I’m starting to hate salad.
  • Come up with something else to describe a disaster area besides “war zone”.
  • Have my hair starched for the week.
  • Practice the piano so I can unleash my fun-loving side just before the election.
  • Ignore all those low-lifes running the provinces.
  • Call the wife.
  • Consider retiring. Just kidding.
  • Stick pins in my Justin Trudeau doll.
  • Go home after another full day of Prime Ministering.
  • Kiss What’s-Her-Name when I get home and compliment her outfit.

Photo by: Antonis Samaras flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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