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Transport Canada Warns of Rise in Highway Fecalities

'Roadside Pooping Dangerous, Illegal and Downright Disgusting'


(SNN) - Officials within Canada’s transportation department have issued a warning about the hazards of pulling over to pinch off a loaf. In a press conference at a rest stop along the Trans-Canada Highway in southern Manitoba, Transport Canada communications director Arnold Prim announced a new safety campaign the ministry has embarked upon to discourage en route elimination. The slogan they have chosen is “Don’t Pinch It, Clinch it”.

“Every summer, thousands of people have been seen pulling onto the side of the highway and execute the crouch and crap in the false protection of the passenger-side door,” Prim explained to reporters, his gorge obviously rising at the thought. “This practice is both extremely unsafe and quite unlawful. People having their butts hanging out along a major highway create both an obstacle and a distraction that can lead to collisions causing injury and death. Even worse, it is disgusting! My God, people! How hygienic can that be, even if you have old Timmy napkins for the cleanup?”

“We in the department feel this is not an uncontrollable situation as some people maintain it is,” continued Prim. “The fact that highway fecalities drop to near zero when the thermometer does, means that it’s not an emergency, it’s a thrill. Unfortunately, it’s a dangerous one and must be stopped.”

The announcement was protested by the group Bowel Freedom Movement. Spokeshippy, Anne Arkie, was just one of a crapload of members heckling Prim during his news conference.

"This is a free country and when nature calls, we answer," claimed Arkie. "There's nothing like the feeling of the wind in your derriere hair after a confining car ride."


Photo by: Julie Jordan Scott flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

 

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