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My Phone Call to the NSA

The Sage Tackles Big Brother Head On

(SNN) - With the unfortunate and ill-advised whistle-blower, Edward Snowden, being as popular internationally as a shart in the kiddie pool, the NSA is seemingly being mentioned in every second story in the U.S. media. Therefore, we at The Sage decided to tear the lid off this secretive and powerful body for the good of mankind.

Since hiring investigators proved impossible out of fear of immediate retribution, coupled with the fact the SNN editorial staff adamantly refused to go to Fort Meade, Md, where NSA headquarters are located, meant a phone interview was in order. A cheap pay-as-you-go-phone was purchased so they could not identify the caller. I was given the task of phoning since I couldn’t guess the right number between one and a million. Shakily I dialed the oddly comforting phone number; 1-800-I-LISTEN.

Cheerful Female Voice: Hello! Welcome to the National Security Agency… oh it’s you…

Creepy Electronic Voice: Chris… McKerracher…

Cheerful Female Voice: How are you today, Chris? How is your…

Creepy Electronic Voice: …wife… and… two… children…

Cheerful Female Voice: Before we begin I must warn you this call may be recorded for training and or quality control purposes… HAHAHAHA! Sorry, that’s a little inside joke around here. So, Chris, how can we be of assistance today?

SNN: Holy crap! Uhhh…. I was wondering if you can connect me to someone within the organization who can answer a few questions from a member of the international press.

Cheerful Female Voice: Actually, we knew that. I was just being polite. We happened to be monitoring your phones when you had the teleconference to discuss the interview and prepared the answers in advance for you; the answers are, yes… always…. every single one…. Yes, even him… and… Of course he doesn’t know.

SNN: Wait! We have created a different list since our teleconference session. What questions are you answering?

Cheerful Female Voice: I’m sorry, but you don’t have the clearances to be apprised of that information.

SNN: What? They were OUR questions! Okay, so what can you tell us about your operations there?

Cheerful Female Voice: I’m sorry, but you don’t have the clearances to be apprised of that information.

SNN: I see. I have a feeling this interview isn't going anywhere. Well, can you at least tell me where my iPad is? I lost it last week somewhere.

Cheerful Female Voice: We don’t usually do that sort of thing, even though we can. Oh wait... I have just been authorized to tell you…

Creepy Electronic Voice:  it… fell… behind… the nightstand...

Cheerful Female Voice:  Oh my, those websites you frequent… you ARE a naughty one!

SNN: Look, I better go…

Cheerful Female Voice: Grannies Gone Wild? Really?

SNN (Click)

Stay tuned for my next news story: Why I Love the NSA.

Photo by: marsmettn tallahassee  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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