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U.S. Public Libraries Must Arm or Face Closure

NRA Demands Compliance By 2015

(SNN) - Washington, D.C.  A giddy group of National Rifle Association (NRA) members announced today that the hotly contested bill requiring U.S. public libraries to keep guns on their premises has passed the House and Senate.  President Obama will grudgingly sign Bill #AK47 into law by month’s end.  Sponsored by NRA President Jim Porter and Senator Mike Crapo (R-Idaho), the bill guarantees that every library in the United States will have a gun for every service desk and a free NRA lifetime membership for every Library Director.  “After the recent incident in the Santa Monica College Library, librarians can no longer be quiet and introverted,” said Crapo. “They must be brash and brazen. They must be ready to brandish a pistol or rifle when confronted with testy patrons who refuse to return their books or pay fines! The country cannot afford to lose one more library book. Those notorious bibliophiles who hole up in stuffy apartments hoarding books bought with our tax dollars must pay!”

A majority of House members decided to support the bill when Porter slipped $1500 Visa Gift Cards into their suit jacket pockets. Senate holdouts were given complimentary airline tickets to be used for any destination in the Continental U.S., no black out dates. The Senate Minority Leader, who asked not to be named, told the Sage that he was “super excited“ about the free tickets. “Yeah, they got me lock, stock and barrel.  Hell, now I don’t have to figure out what I am going to be doing during our long, boring recesses!”

To comply with the new law, all librarians must be certified to handle any firearm assigned to them (including assault rifles) by taking a day long, fast-track target practice training session, an online gun safety class, and a gun cleaning and polishing class. Upon completion of training, each librarian will be issued a fancy certificate signed by Clint Eastwood.  In addition, libraries must expand their collections of paperback westerns and Clint Eastwood movies. All late fees will automatically be waived for NRA members. Each library in compliance will be given a complimentary subscription to Guns and Ammo. Libraries not in compliance by the 2015 deadline will be closed down.

Speaking on behalf of thousands of shell-shocked librarians across the country, Library of Congress Communications Officer, OM Gee, admitted that in the face of budget cuts, many libraries are not able to afford security guards. “I guess gun-toting librarians are the next best thing to paid security guards,” sighed Gee. “Most of us hate guns; but hey, not everyone gets an embossed piece of paper signed by Dirty Harry!”

Stripped from the bill was the requirement for librarians to pass background checks.  Lawmakers felt it wasn’t needed since it is well known that librarians always yield the right of way and never take samples at the grocery store.

Photo by: Nadya Peek flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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