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Penguin Populations Exhibiting Dangerous New Suicidal Behaviors

Ornithologists Liken it to Whales Beaching Themselves

(SNN) - Antarctic fauna experts are raising a warning flag that penguin behavior has become erratic in recent decades and in some cases, bordering on the suicidal. Researchers from the University of Tuktoyaktuk, on a three year study, have already filed preliminary reports six months in that indicate millennia-old instincts are being subtly altered. One report indicated a scientist had witnessed one penguin riding on the back of a killer whale. While this was, in and of itself, odd, the most surprising discovery was the sight of the whale-riding penguin wearing little silver spurs.

Numerous theories have already been offered for the strange behaviors being documented. Dr. John (Jack) Sparrow, lead researcher at Tuk U, has expressed a belief that environmental contaminants are causing the birds to become confused , which causes the strange activities of some members of the population.

“We’re not sure if it is a water-borne chemical or if it is air-borne, but something is interfering with their brains’ hard-wiring,” stated Sparrow in the birder monthly ‘The Breeder’s Digest’. “ What I am sure of is that it is the result of something new in their systems that has never been seen before.” 

Another of the researchers, Professor Don Heron of Penguins Unlimited, is theorizing that the birds’ strange new habits are linked to global warming.  “Global warming is the obvious culprit here,” stated Heron categorically in the peer-reviewed nature journal ‘Au Naturelle!’. “It is a terrific scapegoat for everything bad that is currently happening to the planet, so why not toss this in, as well?”

Dr. Robin Crowe, a self-proclaimed rival of Sparrow’s, disagreed with both of these assessments.  “It has nothing to do with pollution or global warming or anything like that,” claimed Crowe, a grizzled veteran who has logged over twenty years on the frozen sub-continent. “These stupid penguins were fine until that ‘March of the Penguins’ movie came out,” asserted Crowe. “Now they have become insufferable attention whores. They think every human is a Hollywood mogul, come to make another smash documentary about them. It is sickening. Using the money they made from the movie to fly that poor polar bear down here to taunt is just one example of the type of creatures they’ve become.”

Photo by: Mark Lewis flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

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