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New Health Alert: Health Alerts Are A Serious Source of Stress

'Reading Medical Reports Can Make You Get Sick and Die'

(SNN) - Canadian medical authorities are raising the alarm that keeping abreast of health warnings can be bad for you. Dr. Omar Godde, head of the Health Canada research team, said the stress study was unequivocal.

“According to preliminary results from our research data,“ Godde said in a statement to the press, “health warnings are very damaging and should be avoided at all costs. The anxiety and stress that is created in the brain when faced with these dire medical directives produces such maladies as high blood pressure, depression and occasional sprained sphincter muscles in the gluteus maximus from over clenching.”

The research team had analyzed the data from wiring a large number of subjects to a plethora of body function monitoring equipment, then had the subjects read articles from such renowned medical journals as “The Lancet” and the “American Journal of Medicine”. Other subjects only read articles from “The Reader’s Digest” and “Hello Canada!”. Overwhelmingly, those in the subject group showed far greater levels of enzymes and hormones associated with stress than the control group. At least a quarter of the subjects reading the medical journals had to be removed from the study due to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

“The problem with so many of these warnings is they contradict one another,” lamented the doctor. “In article after article we read that coffee is good, coffee is bad, red wine is good, red wine is bad, eggs are good, eggs are bad; there are no two reports that seem to agree. It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.”

When asked what the general public should take away from the new information, Dr. Godde had this to say, “We are still recommending moderation in all things; just not too much of it. Other than that, stay away from medical news.”

Photo by: P. Gordon flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

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