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Too Much CNN Puts Local Man in Catatonic State


(SNN) - Knockemstiff, Ohio.  Steele Stairen, 40, head cook at the local Shell Shocked Cafe, was removed from his home and taken to Northeastern Regional Hospital’s Trauma Unit early Saturday morning.  Postal carrier, Allwaze Walken, found Stairen sitting motionless in his recliner, gazing at a giggling Anderson Cooper, who was trying hard to report on a break-in at the tony home of Larry King, former host of CNN’s now defunct “Larry King Live(?)” show. When trying to rouse Stairen, Walken reportedly gasped when he saw grainy security camera footage of the brazen invader leaving the King home with a king-sized Radio Flyer wagon full of Larry’s famous suspenders.

Nosy neighbors, interviewed by local news reporter, Igot ThisOne, said they had noticed a change in Stairen after his secret love, Fox News reporter Greta Van Susteren, was caught off-camera yelling at her understudy, Sean Hannity, repeatedly shouting, “Stop Stairen, creep! Stop Stairen right now!” Van Susteren had recently returned to Fox after a short hiatus to get buffed and botoxed. (Hannity reportedly could not keep his eyes off her for days afterwards). Stairen was crushed and made a painful, reluctant switch to CNN, where he became fascinated with Anderson “Silver Fox” Cooper.

Mr. Stairen had frequently called in sick before the Van Susteren incident and was slowly heading toward the deep end. After he moved to CNN, he spent days watching Cooper report on catastrophe after catastrophe: Michelle Obama Stops Weight Lifting, Arms Atrophy; Singer Nicki Minaj Abuses Listerine, Damages Vocal Chords; Elvis Presley Refuses to be Sighted; Dick Cheney Leaves U.S., Replaces Rob Ford as Toronto Mayor. As the med techs went into action, Walken heard Cooper broadcasting from another TV in Stairen’s kitchen. Mr. Stairen apparently had recorded a sleep deprived Cooper, on location in Alberta, Canada, reporting that Stephen Harper, Prime Minister and former MP of Calgary Southwest district, had signed a shockingly secret agreement to hand over all oil sands profits to Newfoundland’s provincial government (reason still unclear). Stairen, a native Albertan, must have gone over the edge upon hearing of this latest catastrophe.

Ambulance attendants reported they had to move Stairen’s recliner with Stairen still attached. Northeastern’s Trauma Unit’s head physician ordered two interns, former bouncers at the local bar, to find a way to get Mr. Stairen’s catatonic body out of the chair. They managed to free him, but failed to pry the remote from his hand. At last report, the hospital had contacted the town’s cable company, who sent their chief home installation technician to assist.

Photo by: joaquin uy flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

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