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Animals Vote Out Calgary Zoo Administration; Set Up a Co-op

'Zoo Officials Never Even Discussed Profit Sharing With Us'

(SNN) The animals at the Calgary Zoo have voted overwhelmingly to oust the current administration and set up an animal-owned and operated co-operative. They plan to maintain the zoo as it always has been but to provide income for the residents to compensate for their lack of privacy.

“We warned management two years ago this was on the table,” claimed spokesman for the animals, a gorilla named Zeke, via international sign language that he learned from a stolen iPad. “We had considered lesser job actions, such as wildcat strikes but felt the current management group would not bargain in good faith anyway. We do have ways to ferret out the truth. We use real ferrets.”

The former head of the zoo, Dr. Arnold Ziffle, was aghast at the results of the vote.

“Co-ops are great in theory but what happens when they start fighting amongst themselves?” Ziffle wondered in an interview. “I understand this afternoon, Clarence, one of the lions on the transition team, ate their marketing designate, Larry, the Vietnamese pig, after a tense meeting. I just don’t see this working out.”

When reached by the Sage, Clarence seemed quite contrite about the incident and admitted mistakes had been made. “I should never go to those stupid meetings on an empty stomach. Mind you, they didn’t provide sandwiches or even donuts. A lion gets hungry, you know. Though Larry will be missed by the rest of the new marketing team, he will always be remembered as being quite delicious.”

Zeke the gorilla admitted there will be a few bumps along the way but claims overall, the transition to animal house rules has been smooth. Even the one group of animals who had voted against the co-op plan, a variety of sheep, now seemed content to go along with the rest.

“We animals are what the people are coming to see,” stated Zeke. “That should be worth more than a few bananas and a tire swing, as in my case. I don’t know about the other animals but with the money I will now be making, I’m saving up for a trip to Africa.”

Photo by: Calgary Reviews flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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