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The Next Fake Scandal


“Hello?”

“Good evening, is Emma Smith available?”

“Speaking, and this is…?”

“Hello Emma, I’m with Johnson And Associates. We’re a national, non-partisan polling firm gauging voter sentiment for the upcoming mid-term elections. Do you have a moment to answer a few short questions?”

“Well, the grandkids will be coming by soon. But if it’s quick I suppose I could help you out.”

“Great. This will just take a few minutes. We really appreciate your help on this. Okay, so here’s the first question: Would you rate President Obama’s policies as somewhat socialist, very socialist, or outright communistic?”

“Well, let’s see. I’d, uh, have to say very socialist.”

“Let me just take a second to note that down here. Okay, great. Next question: On a scale of one to five, with one being somewhat damaging and five being very damaging, how would you rate the fiscal impact of public sector unions on the nation.”

“Oh, gee, I don’t know. Somewhere around three?”

“Great. Okay, just two more quick questions. Here’s the first. Again, on the one to five scale, with one being alarming and five being very alarming, how would you rate recent evidence that the President is planning to officially rename the White House as the Black House?”

“What!!”

“On a scale of one to five…”

“I heard you. That’s true? I didn’t see anything on Fox.”

“Absolutely true, amazing isn’t it? Apparently they’re trying to keep the story buried. That’s why you haven’t seen anything about it on TV. But according to findings by the Center For Truth And Integrity In Politics…”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a well regarded public interest research group based…”

“FRED!! FRED!! Pick up the phone, you have to hear this! Hold on, my husband’s downstairs working on his model trains. C’mon Fred, hurry up.”

“No problem, so how are things out there in, let’s see here, Hammerton?”

“Hammersville.”

“Never heard of it.”

“That’s how we like it. All-American, and proud of it. We never lock our doors. FRED!!!!”

“Probably not much left to steal.”

“What’s that? Your voice faded out there.”

“I, uh, said...”

“Hello?”

“Fred, this young man just told me the most shocking thing. You aren’t gonna believe this. Our quote-unquote President wants to rename the White House.”

“What? C’mon you’re kidding. What to?”

“The Black House.”

“What!!”

“Yes sir, it’s been quite the surprise. Not that you’d have any reason to know about it, given all the secrecy. Supposedly, they’ve already ordered the new paint. From Mexico.”

“Jesus. I knew something like this was coming. I just knew. That fella’s slick, speaks English real well and dresses nicely and all, but I knew he was up to something. What the hell’s happening to this country?”

“Oh my god. I gotta tell Judy about this. I’m going next door, Fred. If the kids show up, send them to Judy’s. Oh, can you answer this gentleman’s last question?”

“Okay. Jesus, this is getting unreal. Where’s Ike when you need him? Okay, go ahead.”

“Mr Smith, would you rate the corporate tax burden as heavy, staggering, or outright crushing?”

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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