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Minnesota Legalizes Same Sex Marriage While Gas Prices Spike

Bachmann Points to Divine Retribution


(SNN) -  St. Paul, MN.  On Tuesday, an estimated 6,000 jubilant Minnesotans gathered at the State Capitol grounds in St. Paul to celebrate the passage of the Freedom to Marry Act, an historic decision signed into law by Governor Mark Dayton.  But a more somber mood set in the next day as Minnesotans awoke to the horror of a big jump in gas prices from $3.89 to $4.19 US dollars per gallon.

As reported by Minnesota Public Radio (MPR), the state is among the top ten states with the highest prices at the pump. Horrified at the news of what has transpired in her home state, U.S. Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, who represents Minnesota’s 6th congressional district, sent an urgent email to the news director of an unidentified Twin Cities TV station asking the station to cover a press conference so she could explain her state’s dire situation to her small circle of fans and groupies. Shouting in ALL CAPS, Tea Party Sweetheart Bachmann wrote, “IT’S DIVINE RETRIBUTION, I TELL YOU!  IT IS THE LORD’S PUNISHMENT THAT MINNESOTA SHOULD SUFFER FOR LEGALIZING SAME SEX MARRIAGE!”

“I saw this coming,” continued Bachmann. “I formed a prayer chain with some disgraced TV evangelists who are serving time in jail. They needed something to do.  We prayed night and day!  In The Lost Book of Exhortations, discovered under the ice in Lake Mille Lacs, Verses 666 - 669, read: ‘Beware, for I say to you, if man marries man and woman marries woman, the Union of One Man and One Woman will be tarnished forever. You shall see your purses empty. Your wells shall be dry. Your journeys shall cease.’”

The TV station initially agreed to cover the requested press conference at the St. Paul Civic Center. Plans were dashed when Bachmann refused to allow her driver to cross the Wabasha Street Bridge after she learned that city crews had hoisted Rainbow Flags along the length of the bridge. Instead, Bachmann and the station agreed to release the full-text of her impassioned email to the Minneapolis Star Tribune. The article is being rushed through copy editing so it can be published before gas prices return to normal, weakening the impact of Bachmann’s hysterical rant.


SIDE NOTE: A Bachman loyalist, sporting a patriotic baseball cap with the words ‘Hands Off My Stuff”, told the Strib that Bachmann will boycott the popular grocery chain, Rainbow Foods, in continued protest against the new marriage law.


Photo by: Gage Skidmore's flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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