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Toewes Proposes Pressure Cooker Ban

Gets Harangued by Homemade Humus Hawkers


(SNN) Public Safety Minister Vic Toewes has unveiled a new anti-terrorism plan that would ban the sale of pressure cookers.  Citing the dangers of the units as “bombs in the making” Toewes said there is no good reason anymore to have a pressure cooker in the average home.

“It’s not like we don’t have other alternatives for faster cooking times,” claimed the deservedly unpopular minister. “Since the microwave oven came into use, it rendered pressure cookers pretty much redundant, as far as I know. I didn’t actually investigate their other uses, however, it’s just what I think.”

A contingent from the Ottawa and District Farmer’s Market Association picketed on Parliament Hill protesting the proposed policy. There are a number of recipes for dishes such as homemade humus and certain jams and jellies that require a pressure cooker for best results and feel they are being discriminated against. Many of these items are being sold at local farmers’ markets. Waving signs that read slogans such as “We will cook Toewes’ goose” and “We will can his ass”, the mostly elderly protestors were deemed to rowdy for Ottawa standards and were rounded up and bussed to Montreal for beating up.

Tom Mulcair reacted angrily at the proposal of the Safety Ministry saying that it did not conform to the freedoms promised in an NDP regime.

“Rather than ban them outright,” said Mulcair in a statement. “The NDP would propose a pressure cooker registry. We would include other bomb-making materials such as nails, ball bearings and Bic lighters.”

When pointed out that bombs nowadays are usually triggered electrically, and not with a flame, Mulcair shrugged. “I’m a politician, not a terrorist. How would I know?”

Asked the price tag for the move, Safety Minister Toewes claimed the program hadn’t been entirely costed out but doesn’t want to wait for the report from the accountants before enacting the legislation.

“We can never be too safe, too soon,” Toewes explained. “No matter how much money it will cost, it will be worth it to have the peace of mind it will buy.”

Photo by:  Jack Liddon flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

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