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Napolitano and Lew Develop Plan to Close Guantanamo Bay

Move Will Trim Hundreds of Millions From Budget


(WASHINGTON) In a joint news conference, the Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano and Secretary of the Treasury, Jacob  Lew have announced a plan to end the unpopular jail in Cuba and save the United States government significant dollars.

“We acknowledge that housing, feeding and water-boarding all those prisoners is quite expensive,” admitted Napolitano to the gathered reporters. “Estimates have been published that show the cost to care for the incarcerated run as high as a cool million dollars, annually. Each. Secretary Lew and I realized there must be ways to realize some savings.”

“To get to the point,” interjected Lew, “We plan to offer each detainee, $500,000 per year not to terrorize anyone. This will remove the threat of attacks on our soil and still save $500.000 per inmate. With there still being 166 prisoners remaining in the facility, this works out to a savings of a whopping $83 million a year which can be used to put a tiny nick in the deficit. It’s a win-win situation for everyone.”

When asked how they could be so confident that the Gitmo gang can be bought off and stay bought off, Napolitano was quick to reclaim the microphone.

“We are certain that this much money will buy off even the most wide-eyed, loony insurgent,” explained the Security chief. “We all know every non-American on the planet aspires to be a rich American to escape from whatever hellhole they live in, since it isn’t The Greatest Country In The World, like we are. This is their big chance.”

Photo by: Sandeep Singh Thukral flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

 

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