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Vic Toewes Announces New Terrorist Registry

Minister Chagrined He Didn't Think of it Sooner


(SNN) In an effort to bolster the Harper government’s new “tough on crime, tough on terror” initiatives, Public Safety Minister Vic “This IS my happy face” Toewes has announced the establishment of a terrorist registry. Based along the lines of the failed long-gun registry (“Hey we got all this software doing nothing anyway…” the new government agency will require would-be terrorists to sign up for membership, engage in safety training and pass a written exam in order to commit atrocities within the environs of Canada. Those that wish to export terror can simply get an export license if the country has been designated part of the “Axis of Evil” which includes Iran, North Korea and Lichtenstein.

Local terrorists were up in arms (literally – with live ammo) when the announcement was made. Abu ben-Franklin, a donair shop owner and amateur terrorist was visibly incensed by the move of the government.

“This is an outrage,” spat ben-Franklin. “To assume all terrorists are criminals is patently false. My brother-in-law Mo, has been a terrorist for years and would never hurt a fly. People, maybe, but flies, no way.”

Minister Toewes was adamant the government was on the right track although there has been, surprisingly, opposition from non-terrorist Canadians.
“I don’t know what it is,” grumbled the Minister to reporters afterward. “No matter what I announce, people hate it. I could promise to give them all a thousand bucks and they would be make it seem like I am forcing them to shop at gunpoint.”

Insiders speculate Toewes’ constant attempts to eradicate democratic freedoms and cruelly oppress the masses, may be why he has lousy public relations, even when considering his widely-recognized, historic involvement with youth.

Photo by: Marcin Wichary flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

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