news director

Please Support our Sponsors

PETA discovered behind Giant African Snail invasion of the U.S.

Invasion from the South into Canada is Imminent. (Exclusive to The Sage)

(SNN) - In March “The Sage” reported that the Giant African Snail (GAS) had been identified as an invader of Australia and prompted the mass clubbing of baby snails. PETA, in response to “The Sage Report” was put on high alert, which brought the attention of the International Criminal Police Organization (INTERPOL). “With the help of international intelligence, we have been tracking the activities of the GAS,” said the head of INTERPOL's Bioterrorism unit, Alex Craimant, “We tracked GAS into Florida, and believe they have plans to invade as far north as Quebec, Canada.”

In response to the planned invasion of Canada, the Sûreté du Québec (SQ/QPP) have issued the following statement: 

“Da, Ess, Que will not stand by while dees slimy mono-lingual bastards slither dere way into our sovereign lands! Quebec's national identity will not be hindered by anudder foreign body stopping our separation efforts! Da GAS is under da control of PETA, an evil organization that was founded in da heart of da American intelligence centre, Norfolk, Virginia. We know, PETA and GAS are in conspiracy wit Canada and “the Harper” to thwart Quebec's separation! Dis is an out-rage!!”

It was learned that INTERPOL provided the intelligence to the SQ/QPP, which outlined PETA's collusion with GAS and “the Harper” to take over Quebec. The result was Quebec being placed on high alert. It is estimated that at the rate of GAS' languid advance, the first shelled unit will not penetrate Quebec defences until 2039. “To spare our French Canadian cousins from the decimation caused by the GAS, we have been training the good people of Florida on how to club baby snails, effectively stopping them at the Miami-Dade County line.” said Craimont.

A private communiqué, intercepted from a PETA operative, describing the action from the Miami-Dade County line indicates that the Florida Cracker may be winning over the Giant African Snail. “The few terrified survivors, left to crawl through the carnage. The shouted obscenities and threats from the Florida Crackers, acoustic echos from baseball bats ominously heard in the distance. The pitiful cries of the GAS; the repellent thuds of clubs raining down on soft shells. Crackers' laughter echoing across the glades.”

The GAS' advance will be a hard battle fought, and could effectively invade Quebec before 2039. The Cracker's bat may not be enough. “The African Giant Snail can multiply very rapidly - and grow to adulthood in a year,” said Craimont, “They can produce up to 1,200 eggs per year, and they can live up to nine years, providing PETA unlimited converts to their cause.”

Since the GAS invasion was first discovered in Florida, Crackers have placed more than 117,000, for internment. Quebec officials are hoping to prevent a worst-case scenario, where the GAS would worsen the threat of Quebec's sovereignty.

“This is a world-wide invasion.” said Craimont, “Some countries, such as Ecuador and Barbados, have run out of resources to fight them.”


(SNN) - PETA discovered behind Giant African Sail invasion of the U.S.
(CNN) - It's real: Attack of the Giant African Land Snails in Florida

Photo by: VenturaB.'s flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from Brian K. Hahn



Most Viewed

Promote Your Business

Social Activity

Top ^