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Letter to Obama Tested Positive for Niacin: FBI

Paper Soaked in Cholesterol-Lowering Vitamin


Washington, DC. -  President Barack Obama’s security team, responsible for the safety of the mail the Commander in Chief receives, has intercepted an Oval Office-destined missive that FBI agents have confirmed is laced with niacin. The vitamin plays an important role in maintaining a properly-working cardio-vascular system.

“We are expending a lot of resources on this,” stated lead agent John Smith. “Although the president’s cardio health is important to all Americans, this kind of intrusion into his basic nutrition is criminal.”

Another agent at the press conference, who also gave his name as John Smith, while standing beside his superior, echoed the first Smith’s resolve.

“We will beat the bushes to find whoever sent this piece of mail,” asserted the second John on the left. “Not the Bushes, just to clarify, but, like shrubbery. We feel it is likely the work of a rogue nutritionist or a cardiological extremist. Other possibilities include cereal manufacturers that have added niacin to a number of their products. Cheerios, for example, has over 5 mg per serving. As a result, there is an APB out for Captain Crunch and the Honeycomb Kid. It is feared they may have become cereal killers.”

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