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Minnesota Becomes Canada's Newest Province

Liberals are dancing in the streets over universal health care.

Angle Inlet, MN. - In a bold move yesterday, Minnesota’s Northwest Angle, in Lake of the Woods County, seceded from the United States and took the entire state of Minnesota with it, making Minnesota Canada’s newest province. In exasperated exhaustion, after years of emails from residents demanding secession, both countries agreed not only to annex the Angle, but also to take all of Minnesota and be done with it.

The secession was a no-brainer for the folks of Angle Inlet, a tiny town in Angle Township. Ima Leavingnow, owner of the town’s Bait and Switch Tackle Shack, explained that Minnesotans who drive up to the Angle in the summer always complain about the trouble of having to cross the Canadian border at Manitoba, where they’re required to deal with the absent border guards at Jim’s Corner. “Take my boyfriend, Stu Harpingaard, from down in Red Wing,” laments Leavingnow, “he hates digging around in his overalls to find his passport and gets frustrated when he has to wait in line to use the videophone at Jim’s to show his credentials to the customs agents at the other end. Then, he must patiently hold his credentials in-hand while the agents take a careful look to verify that he is who he says he is.  Unfortunately, we don’t have a ferry to cart Stu, his overalls, his credentials, and his RV across the lake, where there is no international border. So, it makes more sense for Minnesota to become a province and get rid of the border hassles!”

Welkom Yanks, a long-time resident of Manitoba, thinks Minnesotans will make good Canucks.  “They actually go oat and aboat in cold winters, love hockey, and know how to identify a moose!” exclaims Yanks. “They’re a highly educated bunch, so I think they can find their way to our washrooms from their bathrooms.”  

Minnesotans, who will become dual citizens of the U.S. and Canada, have mixed feelings about the unprecedented move. The metro liberals are dancing in the streets over universal health care, legalized same-sex marriage and more opportunities to see a k.d.lang concert.  The conservatives from the northern backwoods are busy ripping holes in their mattresses to hide money from the Canadian government and are modifying the walls behind their bookcases to stash their arsenals of handguns and AK47s from the prying eyes of any Mounties who may come riding by. Tea Partiers, who swore they would move to Canada if Obama was elected, and then re-elected, are gathering at area bars to celebrate the end of Obamacare.

The Minnesota Legislature is calling an emergency meeting to determine what will be done with those Minnesotans who have been convicted of drunk driving charges. In Canada, foreigners who are arrested for driving while intoxicated are considered to be felons and can’t enter the country unless they are rehabilitated. The Canadian government is standing firm against bringing drunkards into their new province. So, what can be done? Rumor has it that Senator Igot N. Ideah will propose that these folks be moved to Green Bay, Wisconsin.  With sensitivity to the Minnesota Vikings-Green Bay Packers football rivalry, diehard Vikings fans will be permitted to choose between living in Green Bay or within a five-mile radius of the Grumpy Troll Brewery in Mount Horeb.

The completed integration to the Canadian way of life is scheduled for December 31, 2015, giving Minnesota’s government plenty of time to convert dollars to loonies, change miles into klicks, and bring in Canadian linguists to assure that the Minnesota long ‘o’ becomes even longer. Oh, Minnesota!

Photo by: Michael Hicks flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, article not endorsed. Original Caption, "Minnesota State Capitol building."

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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