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Two men charged with breeding a Giant African Snail Down-Under

PETA outraged...


(SNN) - Two men in Australia are before the Court of Queens Bench, when they were caught huddled in the corner of a public restroom comparing snails. “Thats not a snail” pointed one defendant, as he reached into his trousers, “Now thats a snail.” The witness who blew the whistle on them, 98 year old custodian, Ms. Mya Gottabigen, was injured when she ran out of the men's room screaming.

The men were arrested and charged with breeding the Giant African Snail.

Since the early 1900's, the African Snail, has been identified as an invasive species and as a result the Australian Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry (DAFF) have authorized an annual hunt known as “the clubbing.” 

Known to multiply by the thousands without a mate, the giant African snail can grow to over a foot long, weigh in at three to five pounds, and can destroy hectares of growth down under.

“The Clubbing” came into international attention when, in 2006, crew members of the Sea Shepherd, while filming an episode of Whaling Wars, where observing bikini clad women, on what was believed to be a nude beach, slaughtering helpless baby snails. “It was horrific,” cried seaman One-eyed Pete, “the girls were covered head to toe with snail goo.”

“I was so stunned I couldn't stop watching,” added Sea Shepherd Captain, Al Dente.

Upon rushing the shores to save the rest of the snails, the crew found the killing fields. Over 200,000 African Snails were slaughtered that day.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) spokesperson Ghetta Jobb has gone on record by stating, “We have formed the Snail Liberation Front,” a response to the accusation that several French Restaurants were targeted down-under who serve escargot to patrons. "Thinkers may prepare revolutions, but bandits must carry them out!" bragged Jobb.

“PETA is not concerned with facts,” said DAFF Secretary Andy McCaffe, “The African Giant Snail is a pest, the destroyer of worlds, a purveyor of destruction, the biggest threat Australia has ever known. The clubbing must never stop!”

The bloody images from the annual clubbing of the baby African Snails over the years have heated rhetoric and impassioned defences in an all too familiar rite that pits governments and snailers against animal rights groups.

Ignoring the cries of PETA the Australian government have upped the total allowable clubbings of the baby African snails. The quota for 2013 has been set at 325,000 clubbings per snailer.

The two snail breeders were held in protective custody until trial.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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