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David Letterman to be named the new Pope.


Vatican City – Smoke may be billowing soon over the Holy City; as it is expected, the new Pope has finally been selected during the Papal conclave.

Following the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, the Church has been carefully working on finding a successor. It is rumoured that the Cardinals chosen to meet in secret at the Papal conclave will soon emerge and announce that American TV personality, Dave Letterman, has been elected Pope Absurdus Comicus I. Letterman has not been available for comment.

The move to place a 'pop' figure into the papacy is part of the new modernization of the Church, which started in the mid 1990's when then Pope John Paul II generally accepted the theory of evolution and asserted that people with homosexual inclinations possess the same inherent dignity and rights as everybody else. Even Pope Benedict XVI joined the online Social Network Twitter under the account Pontifex.

In an effort to reach new converts, the 'Letterman Principle' will be applied to the Ten Commandments. This will result in reversing the order of the Ten Commandment as a part of doctrine and renaming them, "The Top Ten."

Keeping with the same principle, the church will go from the current seven sacraments to a total of ten. What those three additional sacraments will be, according to the Vatican, will be on a “Need to know basis only.”

“We are really stoked about our new Pope being a real celebrity,” said a Vatican representative, “Pope Absurdus I will bring comic relief to the masses.” “Everyone needs a laugh.” he added.

According to the Vatican, only two minor obstacles impede Letterman's confirmation as the Cardinal of Rome. The Television network CBS is reluctant to release Letterman from his contractual obligations for "Late Night with David Letterman" and of course the sixth commandment.

Vatican lawyers were assigned to deal with CBS; the sixth commandment will be dealt with in a timely manner and may be replaced with “Stupid Pet Tricks.”

Image by: MrIcon's Flickr Photostream, Some Rights Reserved, article not endorsed. Original description, "This is Dave Letterman, as seen on National TV. I rather hate this picture, since errors in the face shape make him look like he's about to bite off your head."

 

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