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Sven Nguyen on Blather, Rinse, Repeat

Hairdresser to the wannabe celebs of Canada.

Hair. It’s on the minds of our parliamentarians, although not always on their heads. (We’re thinking of you, Tony Clement.) Used as a fashion statement almost as often as a political statement, many federal members actually use their hair as an electioneering tool. This has lead to outrage, trickery and charges of “hairism” among the hirsute-challenged in Ottawa. In order to sort out this hairy issue, The Sage News enlisted the services of famed Canadian-born “Hairstylist to the Stars”, Sven Nguyen.

TSN: To begin with, please share your styling experience with our readers.
Nguyen: I have been hair sculpting for decades. I helped create the signature hairdos of some of the most famous scalps on Earth. Remember Don King? That was me. Farrah Fawcett’s feathered locks that caused more teenaged boys’ wet dreams than a visit to Niagra Falls? That was also me. I also created the sexy flowing tresses of Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
TSN: We understand that last hairdo recently showed up in Canada.
Nguyen: Yes, I have lent the style to Justin Trudeau for him to test drive. He’s hoping the hair will attract the adventurer in all of us, and so far it seems to be working like a charm! He’s the hottest thing on the political landscape since his father. It’s always been a regret I could never really do much with his old man’s thin, limp mop.
TSN: Do you think Harper should feel threatened by young Trudeau’s mane?
Nguyen: Absolutely, although Stevie is countering it perfectly with his staid, conservative, not-a-hair-out-of-place look that has stood him in good stead since he was eight. Keeping that hair of his perfect is a full time job. I remember at one NATO conference, we had a problem with hair number S&P 500.
TSN: The Prime Minister has a hair named after a stock market group?
Nguyen: No, silly. Stevie has all his hairs named. That happened long before I met him. S&P 500 was the five-hundredth in a group of 2000 that were allowed to turn salt and pepper to make him look distinguished.
TSN: So Mr. Harper had a hair out of place at the NATO summit?
Nguyen: The entire hair team was on red alert. We immediately rushed the prime minister into a restroom and beat it back into submission. It’s where he got the idea for handling protestors at the G20 conference in Toronto. Thanks heavens, even though he missed the photo-op at the end of the important meeting, the crisis was averted.
TSN: Perhaps you would like to comment on some of the other federal leaders’ coiffures. How do you think Thomas Mulcair’s hair works for him?
Nguyen: Mulcair’s hair is as coarse as his style; as abrasive as his manners and as thin as his ideals. It appears to be comprised of the same material that makes up Michael Ignatief’s eyebrows. I don’t know at what sad, low point in his life he started nurturing that comb-over but if I were him, I’d find a time machine to go back to that point and start over.
TSN: Do we detect a note of antipathy?
Nguyen: You can tell he is a brutish man by the fact that he obviously doesn’t give two figs about his hair. How can he control a government when he’s not even willing to control his split-ends?
TSN: So could Mr. Mulcair do with his hair that would make you want to vote for him.
Nguyen: I’m not sure that’s possible. Something softer, definitely. Something with a little je ne c’est quois.
TSN: What about Elizabeth May?
Nguyen: They say that a woman’s hair is her glory. In May’s case, it looks more like her shower pouffe. I’ve seen better hair on a chia pet. When you wear hair like that on your head, it almost screams that you wear hair like that under your arms.  The woman comes across like there are things so much more important than her hair. It may be good for tree-hugging but for getting out the votes, May’s hair hasn’t a hope.
TSN: What would you suggest would help Ms. May?
Nguyen: Clear cutting and starting from scratch would be a good option. Or perhaps a wig. Maybe something Veronica Lake-ish.
TSN: Have you ever tried to change the Prime Minister’s “look”?
Nguyen: Are you crazy? The last hairdresser to try and get Stevie to go with a newer ‘do ended up accused of being a terrorist spy and was sent to Syria for interrogation. He has never been heard from since. I’ve always wanted to play with Stevie’s, though. Shake it up a bit, you know. Make it a little playful. Perhaps like how I did Rod Stewart in the 70’s with that spiked thing we had going.
TSN: Thank you so much for your insights into this important facet of our national politics. Is there any parting advice you have for our readers?
Nguyen: Never take your lovely locks for granted. Just remember; hair today; gone tomorrow. 

Photo by Brendan Landis Flckr photostream - article not endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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