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  • For Sale: surplus British submarines. Real fixer-uppers. Haven't been driven in years. Dirt cheap. Call P. McKay, Ministry of Defense
  • Wanting to Buy: Beaver pelts. We are offering the finest trinkets and fancy baubles which, we understand, is the industry standard. Contact Harold at Henderson Fine Hats, London, England.
  • Seeking Employment: Snot nosed kid straight out of high school looking for executive position with large, powerful firm. Must come with expense account, company car and office assistant. Wage negotiable. Not willing to be drug tested. Deluded Masses, Every Graduation, Everytown, North America
  • For Sale: Non-artificial Christmas tree. Used once. Sanitation department won't take it and open fires in the city are banned. Will soon be rare "needle-free" specimen. Am willing to deal. ...Frustrated in Fredericton.
  • Estate Sale: motorcycle jump ramps, crash suit, helmet (slightly dented) and most of a Honda Goldwing Motorcycle. Call Eddie's Lawyering and More. Where there's a will, there's a way... To make money!
  • Personal: To my ungrateful son. After I spent days in agonizing labour giving birth to you and feeding you and raising you and this is the thanks I get? I must be a horrible mother to have brought up such an ingrate. You never call! You never write! You don't even send me text messages! You should be more like your brother. He's such a good boy. ... Your Mom.
  • Business Opportunity: Join the exciting world of mass emailing rubes! Learn how to connect with millions of hapless greedy idiots who think some random rich guy is emailing them to give them money. Results guaranteed! Call Mr. Mugatu, Nigeria
  • For Sale: "Factory Second" parachutes. Half price. Must be prepared to sign legal waiver when ordering. Jerry's Jump Shoppe, Bangs Falls, NS.
  • Travel Deals: Try something different this trip with a tour of a disaster zone. We have groups leaving weekly for Chernobyl, Fukushima, New Orleans, New York and, of course, the NHL Labour Talks! - Call Disaster Travel!
  • For Sale: Used i-Pads, i-Pods, Surface Pros, other electronics at dirt cheap prices. See Vinny. Black sedan, Any underground parking garage.
  • For Sale: 1957 Chevy convertible. Candy apple red with white accents. Perfect condition. Low mileage. Rides like a dream. Incredible chick magnet. Forget it. I changed my mind about selling it. ... Dude polishing his car. Again.
  • For Sale: Light brown Impala. Like gnu!
  • For Sale: Spare body parts, previously owned. Please state blood type and any allergies when ordering. Freshness guaranteed. Talk to Louie at the bar, third stool on the left.
  • Wanting to Buy: Officials in charge of construction bids in the Quebec area. Cash transactions only. See Pierre or Francois, in fancy restaurants, Montreal, PQ.
  • Wanting to Buy: Natives in favour of pipelines. Will pay top dollar. Call S. Harper. c/o this paper.
  • Wanting to Buy: Plofitable oir companies rike Nexen. Will pay 40% plemium. Call China. Ask for Hu Jintau.
  • Wanting to Buy: Hard copy encyclopedias. – No one ever anymore.
  • Personals Ad: For a mediocre time, Call Mildred C/O this paper. (Man the new “truth in advertising” laws suck! But I don’t.)
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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