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UFO Abductee gets it in the End.

Abducted a record twenty three times.

Frenchman Butte, SK. - Ferd Burford, a rancher who has lived in this God-forsaken part of the province for his entire 64 years, claims to have been a bducted by a UFO for a record 23rd time in his life last Thursday.

"I don't know what they find attractive in me, especially where they go looking for it," sighed the grizzled outdoorsman, referring to the aliens' alleged interest in anal probes. "The thing is; I could see them coming from miles away. Of course, here in Saskatchewan, you can see everything coming from miles away."

Burford claims even when he can sense the crafts approaching for their impending assault, he can't move a muscle to try and hide or run away. The jumpy rancher blames a "freeze ray" they use on him to render his muscles immobile. University of Moose Jaw psychiatrist, Dr. Otto Mugabi, however, theorizes the farmer's inability to move is simply a result of his latent homosexual tendencies as the “victim” sub-consciously enjoys the experience of the anal probe. As further evidence, Mugabi points out when he blows in Burford's ear, he giggles.

The bow-legged cattleman denied the psychiatrist's assessment, however, mentioning that "shrinks are as fixated on a-holes as aliens are". He did threaten to provide the doctor with a “knuckle sandwich” if he blows in his ear again.

Besides the anger at the unwelcome attention from mental health professionals, Burford takes his popularity with the “out-of-towners” in stride

"I just don't know what's with these alien fellas," said Burford, giving his head a shake. "I got a whole herd of cattle just standing around waiting to be mutilated and crops needing circling. Why don't they leave me the hell alone?"

On the plus side, the entrepreneurial farmer is making a tidy sum going on talk shows and charging tourists $10.00 to see his grossly enlarged probe site.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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